John Robins: “What makes a good driving range?”

Bad Golf's John Robins hasn't been enjoying winter golf.

The annual pleasure of British winter has seen Bad Golf’s John Robin’s swap the golf course for the driving range. But what makes the ultimate practice area?

In his exclusive Today’s Golfer column, the award-winning comedian, broadcaster, and Beef’s Golf Club co-host delves into the incidents that have put his efforts to cut his handicap on hold and explains what his ideal practice facilities would include.

There we were, standing on the ninth tee minding our own business when a ball slammed down three feet in front of us. Though it backs onto the raised green of the 110-yard par-3 8th, you’d have to view your 6-iron upside down to get it this far past.

There had been no shout of “Fore!” and as we weighed up our options as to what choice expletives to hurl back another ball impacted about six feet behind us. This was rapidly becoming less a case of a wayward tee shot and more a personal vendetta.

Watchfully we walked up the path to see which pair we had so grievously wronged when a couple of guys sheepishly turned the corner. Before I could get out my trademark salvo of  “What comes after three?!” they apologized profusely and explained that they hadn’t hit the wrong club or misread their rangefinders. In fact, they’d both hit perfect tee shots. Their balls had even pitched within ten feet of the hole… then 50 feet over the trees having bounced on a frozen green.

Sure enough, the rest of the round was spent watching balls bounce at right angles from rock-solid worm casts and perform Tin Cup-esque bounces over frozen putting surfaces.

It’s been a tough winter for golf courses with record rainfall in November and December, and a big freeze in January. I think there were a couple of hours of winter sun in February, but temperatures are expected to plummet again in March. So I’m going to give operation single figures a rest for a while and swap the tee boxes for the range bays until there’s a bit of sun on my back.

We’ve started recording the second series of Beef’s Golf Club the podcast I co-present with Andrew “Beef” Johnston (read my column about it). In one of the episodes, we’re discussing arguably the most familiar area of the golf club to most players, whether established professionals or first-time hackers – the driving range. And it got me thinking, what makes a good driving range?

The highest on my list of priorities is the facility to be able to hit off the grass. Isn’t it incredible that golf is the only sport where you don’t practice on the same surface that you play on? Alas, grass ranges are few and far between, and much as it irks me, I can understand why. They take maintenance time away from the course itself and aren’t much use for those wishing to retreat from the driving rain and frozen ground. I can dream though.

If I’m going to hit off a mat then at least make it a good one. As a left-hander, an old warped carpet with curled edges is bad enough, and that’s before you factor in me hitting from where you lot have been standing with your muddy shoes! And don’t give me eight mats with two scabby old rubber tees between them! This is basic stuff people. How much is a rubber tee for a driving range mat anyway? Come on! A quick Google search reveals they’re 85p! Eighty. Five. Pence. Less than a Mars bar in the pro shop!

It’s nice to have some decent targets to hit towards, too. The odd fake green, even a bell. Certainly something more than the basic yardage signs. This helps stop the range from being just a distance exercise and encourages people to practice more intelligently. Yes, it’s nice to wang your shiny new 2023 driver as far as you can without fear of doing too much damage, but picking targets to best replicate actual play should be part of everyone’s range routine.

I’ll tell you what I don’t like. Music being played or sports being shown on TV. I’m all for serving drinks and having kids there running riot, that’s how we get people into golf and make clubs inclusive places for all golfers. But give me the hallowed slap of 7-iron on a rock-hard range ball over the sound of some godawful dance track any day.

Beef and I even coined a term for the most wonderful sound you can hear at a range. That clang of the ball going into the metal barrier between the bays. ‘The Shank Gong’. Sound it three times and an alarm goes off in the PGA Professional’s office calling them out to your aid.

Speaking of range balls, is there any greater thrill than finding someone has felt they’ve got a bit more in the tank, reached into their own bag confident that their 101st ball will be THE ONE, only for it to skid 100 yards along the ground and turn up in YOUR next basket?! So my ideal driving range would have one shiny Srixon AD333 hidden in every fifty balls, and it’s going straight in the pocket!

But thank God for the range. The course was closed AGAIN today due to fog, so off I went to the dedicated left-handers bay (more of these please!). I turned off the Trackman screen so that I could convince myself that every ball had a piercing straight flight as they disappeared into the whiteness. With less than fifty yards of visibility, this was just about believable… just about.

LISTEN NOW: Beef’s Golf Club

John Robins and Andrew ‘Beef’ Johnston create the dream golf club with the help of the listeners and a host of star guests in this hit podcast from Crowd Network.

READ MORE FROM JOHN ROBINS
– “The best way to fix your swing? Don’t swing at all!”
– “Golf equipment launches should be more realistic”

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