Bad Golf’s John Robins: “My swing has deserted me… and it’s my fault”

Comedian, broadcaster and Bad Golfer John Robins may have taken his quest for more driver distance too far.

Just as his game had reached new levels, Bad Golf’s John Robins has forgotten how to swing a club…

In his exclusive monthly Today’s Golfer column, the Edinburgh Comedy Award winner explains why watching a long driver on YouTube has done his game more harm than good.

Do you ever feel as if your golf game is like spinning plates. Just as you feel like you’ve got your wedges grooved you start duffing your long irons. The day you finally find confidence with your putter you suddenly can’t hit a driver for love nor money. That club you’ve trusted for years suddenly decides he wants absolutely nothing to do with you. Oh, where do all the good swings go?

I like to imagine there’s some golf course in another dimension, the place where all our lost swings go. Were we to be able to traverse the realms, we might find our old draw, or that lag putt we used to rely on, passing their time on a course where it never rains, where divots are always replaced and buggies full of ice-cold beer await at every tee box.

In this place we would find something we’ll never see here on Earth: our perfect game.

Currently residing in this Valhalla of tempo and clubfaces square at impact is my drive. How does your body suddenly forget to do something it’s been perfectly capable of doing for 12 months?! Well, I’ll tell you how: BY WATCHING VIDEOS OF LONG DRIVE CHAMPIONS ON YOUTUBE.

RELATED: Longest Drivers 2022

Yes, I’ll admit it, I thought I could pick up a few tips from Martin Borgmeier about how to increase my driver distance. For those of you that don’t know Martin, he can hit his 8-iron 240 yards. Yes, an 8-iron. His driver maxes out at just shy of 450 yards, which is just about 250 yards (or a solid 8-iron) longer than my average drive. That’s why I was watching videos of Martin on YouTube.

But me looking to Martin for tips is a bit like someone who’s played pool once or twice trying to emulate Ronnie O’Sullivan’s deep screw on a full-size snooker table and tearing a strip of cloth off in the process.

In fairness, trying to copy Borgmeier’s swing did indeed have a drastic impact on my driver distance. You see, I’d never really committed to hitting the ball off the top of the club before, and in trying to gain speed I ended up throwing my body forward and skying the ball to a new record distance… upwards.

When will I learn, reader? 

The only way in which we average golfers should ever try to emulate professional golfers is in the time we spend practising. Not in the clubs they use. Not in attempting to replicate the speed of their swing. Not even in their swing itself. After all, the last time I checked, Rory McIlroy was carrying an ounce or two of extra muscle than me. I can’t control his speed any more than I can control the wind on the 15th at my local course.

And here’s the very real danger in trying to follow these super-humans. Once I’d decided I was embarking on a fool’s errand, a wild goose chase and an act of pure stupidity, I returned to my regular driver swing. Only to find it had packed up and shipped out in protest of being dumped for the promise of 215mph ball speed. Again I ask you what the hell was I thinking?!

RELATED: Most Forgiving Drivers

As mid to high-handicappers, once we find a swing that works for us, a muscle memory we can repeat over and over and over again, we have to look after it. We have to care for it, make it feel welcome, show it the love and attention it deserves and do our absolute utmost not to forget it! 

I’m not a good enough golfer to just try a new swing for size, then waltz back into the old one as if nothing had happened.

And now my reliable old fade is sat in some air-conditioned clubhouse with a cocktail in their hand, maybe chatting to your 50 percent wedge shot, saying something like, “I should have got out years ago, you know. He played with me all day but as soon as we got home he’d sit drooling over Nick Faldo’s long irons and Phil Mickelson’s reverse flop shot… he didn’t even hear the door go!”

RELATED: Best Golf Courses in Ireland

Worst of all, I’m off to experience golf in Ireland for the first time soon. I’ve never played links golf before, I’ve never even really been able to see the sea from a golf course come to think of it. I’m not sure a drive that goes 100ft in the air is really the shot they recommend taking when the wind is up and the out of bounds is marked by waves and not posts. As ever, I shall let you know how I get on.

But before I go, maybe have a think about which of your swings are living it up on a golf course far, far away, and how you might be able to convince them to take you back!

READ NEXT: “My Irish adventure… in 40mph winds”

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

John Robins is an award-winning stand-up comedian, co-host of the Elis James and John Robins show and How Do You Cope on BBC Radio 5Live, host of the Moon Under Water podcast, and a superfan on The Queen Podcast. Alongside fellow comedian Alex Horne, John is one half of the hit YouTube channel Bad Golf.

You can read all of John’s Today’s Golfer columns here, follow him on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram, and follow Bad Golf on Twitter and Instagram.

www.johnrobins.com