John Robins: “I’m asking Santa to make my golf wishes come true!”

Bad Golf's John Robins is asking Santa to grant his golf wishes in 2023.

Bad Golf’s John Robins doesn’t want to find socks or aftershave in his stocking this year. Instead, the Beef’s Golf Club co-host is asking Santa to grant his golfing wishes in 2023.

Well folks, what a year it’s been for golf! I hope your Christmas jumpers have been out on the course at some point this month as our focus moves away from scoring to socializing.

It’s such a great time to have a bit of fun with different formats and mix up the groupings to get to know new people at our clubs. I’m booked in for the three clubs and a putter outing on New Year’s Day and think I’m going to take my driver with me for the first time!

After fortuitously stepping on my lost harlequin ball I also managed a third place in our captain’s charity event which was a right laugh. If you haven’t played in a harlequin round before I thoroughly recommend it. Playing different and fun golf formats keeps the game interesting and fresh.

Alas, when it came to the Texas Scramble I let my fourball down, paying the price for saving my final tee shot for the perilous par-3 16th. It hit some trees, then some sand, then briefly the green before being chipped on and lipped out four times for a card-wrecking triple.

So I thought for the final column of the year I would put together my Golfing Wish List to send to Father Christmas at The North Hole (superb humor) and see if he delivers on any of my demands in 2023. Here goes…

Dear Father Christmas,

I do hope you are well and all the elves are making sure each Pro V1 has distinct markings so as to conform with R&A guidelines. Please excuse the rather long list of requests for 2023, if you can sort one or two of the following for me it would be much appreciated.

1. Can I never hear the words “LIV Golf” ever again in my life?

Buoyed by a huge rise in popularity during Covid lockdown, golf’s governing bodies did what governing bodies always do and managed to completely balls up capitalizing on this by allowing the shadow of LIV Golf to baffle, enrage and exclude the majority of golfers from the conversation. Good show guys!

To be totally honest, after wasting so much time reading about it (even though Today’s Golfer’s guide to LIV was excellent), having the shine knocked off all the majors this year, and deciding that both sides have varying degrees of hypocrisy knocking about. I would happily never hear the letters L, I, and V uttered ever again. Just sort it out so we can get on with our lives!

I hope it just dies as opposed to this protracted withering on the vine but if it has to plod on being streamed on a variety of services no one has ever heard of, fine. Just stop going on about the bloody thing. 

2. Please may I have my first eagle?

I’ve never had an eagle. Never chipped in on a par five. Never seen an approach on a par four disappear after a helpful bounce, and never slam dunked on a par three.

Ideally, it would be one of the first two options to save me from the bar bill, but you’d have thought in over 300 rounds of golf I might have fluked just the one. Nope. Nada. Nothing. Come on Santa, let’s bag the big bird!

3. Can you teach me more about the experience of women’s club golf?

Perhaps this is one for Mrs Claus, or maybe something I can sort out myself, but I’ve been so delighted with the amount of correspondence we’ve had in from women golfers on the Beef’s Golf Club podcast over the past months. I’m also fascinated by their experience of their local clubs, and somewhat ashamed about how male-centric my golfing life has been so far.

Some of the petty barriers women still face in golf are ludicrous. I didn’t realize that in most places women aren’t allowed to play from the competition tees, or even the regular tees! In 2022?! It’s insane that a woman playing off scratch can’t choose where she plays from, but a male duffer can hit their 150-yard drives from the whites.

There is a big opportunity for England Golf to address this madness in 2023, and for a lot of clubs to have their memberships enriched by being a bit more inclusive.

4. Can I play a “proper course” from the back tees and score less than 110?

Santa, speaking of tee boxes, I’d love to play an absolute belter of a course from the back tees. Beef said he’d like to see me tee it up on a US Open course the week before they play the tournament (erm, sign me up!). I know it would be an absolute mauling, I know my drives could end up well short of the fairway, and I know I’ll see my ball rolling back towards me on green after green but Beef said I’d struggle to break 110 and I’d love to prove him wrong.

5. Please Santa (God, Buddha, Vishnu, anyone) can I chip in with my chipper?

I’ve been getting some serious abuse for my decision to put a chipper in the bag. And what better way to silence the naysayers than by slamming one in from off the green? Ideally on film, ideally from about thirty yards, and ideally playing with Beef on a US Open course to card a 109. And if we can combine this with my first-ever eagle then I can die happy!

Yours Sincerely

John Robins (13.3 handicap)

LISTEN NOW: Beef’s Golf Club

John Robins and Andrew ‘Beef’ Johnston create the dream golf club with the help of the listeners and a host of star guests in this hit podcast from Crowd Network.

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